lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
