Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
