I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
