question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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