Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
