i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
it was like eating out sand paper
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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