I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
