Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
