I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
