I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
