last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
