Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
how does that bad decision feel?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize