Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
