JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Randomize
