it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
you win again, gameday.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
