my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
