My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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