I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
