My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
