Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
