Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
