Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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