You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
