After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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