I'm gonna have a badass scar
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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