my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize