I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
