it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
