I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
