dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
