Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Randomize
