I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I smell stomach acid.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
