dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
