First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
