Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
