my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
