At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
