i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
