I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
