You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
