Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
