I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
