Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
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