We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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