I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
