i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
That accounts for only three of the penises
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
