I cannot find my penis.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
