people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
