Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
