I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
