I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Randomize
