my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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