Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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