I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize