NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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