I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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