Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
