I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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