so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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