It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Just puked most of my soul out..
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