i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
