what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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