I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
