just tell him i said nine months
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
