youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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