i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
